2013: THE YEAR OF THE SUGAR BEET (AND OTHER SWEET THINGS)

a short new year's reflection, in list form.

things that i acquired in 2013:

a brother-in-law, a north dakota zip code, accidental dreadlocks, a perm, tractor driving skills, camel riding skills, a rash from a hong kong beach, the knowledge of what -20ºf feels like, a trip to the mustard museum, new friends, new friends that hunt and deliver me elk, a bomber hat, soju from north korea, affection for the ruby tuesday salad bar, a surprise cousin, a craft cave, sugar beets, and a homeland addiction.

hmmmmmm.

oh and a lot of squash.

and sweaters.

...knitting needles/yarn...

alright i'm done, who has champagne. 

-yeh!

CHOCOLATE CHILI POCKY STICKS

can i be honest wichu for just five moments? new year's eve is not for me. nicht für me. i love a good rosh hashanah. i cannot wait for what i think will be the year of the snake. but it is the ringing in of the new gregorian calendar year, and its accompanying rituals, that i just cannot do well. 

one time i made a reservation with jaclyn and two boys at a french restaurant and it was a splendid evening. 

another time i wore new shoes to a party in harlem and drunkenly ate an entire can of spray can cheese and likely went home well before midnight. 

the rest of the times, i have happily rung in the new year from my couch either a) sleeping, or b) laughing at all the people in times square who are cold and have to pee in water bottles.

some years i trick myself into thinking i should be stressed out about reserving a table or planning a party but then i realize i'm not alone and accept that i, too, am a very old old woman.

so why have i dusted some rustic looking pocky sticks with gold specs à la a new year's eve decoration? to add festivity to my lunch. and also to give the new year's eve party planner of the century just one more idea.

but can i be honest with you just one more time? 

these take fucking forever to make and they're not worth it in the least!

ok, they're good. they taste good. they're crispy, they taste like the real thing. they have less unpronounceable ingredients than the real thing. but omg you do not want to sit around rolling 60 little sticks out of dough, especially when you have hair to tease and makeup to do. no.

i'm going to give you the recipe anyway in the off chance that you have an entire day to kill and need meditation in your life. 

chocolate chili pocky sticks

makes about 60 (that's 60 sticks you gotta roll out!)

based on pichet ong's recipe, which i found here.

ingredients

1 c flour, plus more for dusting

2 tb sugar

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 stick unsalted butter, softened

1/4 c condensed milk

2 tb water

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 egg white beaten with a splash of water

4.5 oz dark chocolate*

jimmies, for garnish

*i like taza's chili chocolate, but you can also use regular dark chocolate and then mix in ground crushed chili flakes to taste (start at 1/2 tsp). also, while the original recipe calls for 4.5 oz, i ended up using a little bit more, so it might be a good idea to have extra on hand.

clues

in a large bowl, or a bowl of a stand mixer, mix together dry ingredients. add butter and beat with an electric mixer until you have a mealy texture. in a separate small bowl, mix together the condensed milk, water, and vanilla. add it to the dry ingredients and mix until it forms a dough. pat it out into a 1-inch thick disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for 20 minutes.

preheat oven to 300.

pinch off a piece of dough and, on a floured surface, roll it out into a skinny snake that is 5 inches long. place on a baking sheet lined with parchment.

repeat five thousand million more times until the dough is used up. place the baking sheet in the fridge for 10. brush the sticks with egg white and then bake for 18-25 minutes, until slightly browned.

let cool. melt chocolate, let it cool just slightly so that it's not too runny, and then dip away. sprinkle with jimmies and then let them harden in the fridge or freezer.

as snazzy as my clothespin drying apparatus looks (thank you, thank you, i thought of it all myself), it stopped being my bff when i realized it wouldn't fit in the freezer. so you should prolly just lay them flat on parchment.

enjoy with champagne and a new year's resolution!

-yeh!

A SNOW PICNIC

santa has come, santa has gone, i forgot to put out cookies for him, but he was still good to me. i received big girls gifts like industrial style chairs and cast iron kitchen accessories and a snazzy vintage pyrex pie plate. a lot has changed since the furby/tamagotchi/overhead projector years. 

we celebrated with a roast and lefse and one of my gifts to eggboy: the pleasure of my company while watching lawrence of arabia. it's his favorite movie, but as you may have guessed, my favorite movies are rom coms and made-for-tv christmas movies.

it was actually last christmas when i presented him with a homemade "i will be in the same room as you while you watch lawrence of arabia" coupon, but it has taken us this long to get around to it. and, surprisingly, i was not completely uninterested. peter o'toole was a hunk. and those camels! they brought back such fond memories.

on christmas eve day, the eggfamily and i bundled up real good and headed to the farm for a little snow picnic inspired by asian shaved ice, baobing. we brought all sorts of tasty sweets and plopped them on fluffy mounds of snow before feasting till our brains froze over and wrestling each other to the ground.

it was a balmy 13ºf. really quite lovely.

oh what is that? you want to have your own baobing snow picnic?

here is what you will need:

-clean deep snow

-snow pants or a towel to sit on, fuzzy gloves, other warm apparel

-chopped fruit

-condensed milk

-red bean paste (i made my own from this recipe, it is so easy! but if you don't live in the middle of nowhere, you can just get it at your neighborhood h mart or the equivalent)

-brown sugar syrup (i actually forgot about this part...oops)

other fun toppings: mochi bits, matcha green tea powder, nuts, sesame seeds, candy...

and then all you do is:

1. make a mountain of snow

2. sprinkle on the toppings to your heart's desire

3. enjoy!!!! and then wrestle in the snow and try not to vom.

-yeh!

FORTUNE COOKIES

when none of you responded to my open tweet call for help in writing fortunes for my fortune cookies, i got worried. is this going to be more difficult than i think it will be? do the fortune cookie fortune writers actually have a difficult job and should we just give them a break when we get an utterly undecipherable fortune? (like that alliteration?)

it was a difficult task. my first few fortunes were pretty awful and i'm glad that you can't really read them in the photos, thank you low f-stop. 

and then i thought of a formula. it's based around twitter because writing a fortune cookie fortune is a lot like composing a tweet. it has to be quick and to the point, but it differs from twitter in that instead of talking about yourself or the general population, you have to talk about "you." ok here it goes. how to write a fortune cookie fortune::

1. go onto your twitter feed or someone else's twitter feed, and extract a few of the most fantastic tweets. i'm going to gather a mix of tweets from a few of my favorite tweeters:

@conradtao: in my brain, the word "macrobiotic" is always spoken through a vocoder

@contessatura: there are two types of people in the world: people who say they text while peeing and dirty liars

@gmpaiella: Well, there's a dominatrix in my kitchen.

@mattmarks: This crappy sitar patch just MADE this track.

@nattivogel: If it isn't already some racist "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up called "Lorde of the Rings" floating about, I resign from the Internet

2. put these tweets in the second person and in future tense:

in your brain, the word "macrobiotic" will always be spoken through a vocoder

there will be two types of people in the world: people who say they text while peeing and dirty liars

Well, there will be a dominatrix in your kitchen

A crappy sitar patch will MAKE this track.

If it isn't already some racist "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up called "Lorde of the Rings" floating about, you will resign from the Internet

3. alter the words a bit so they're magical and fortune-like:

steer clear of "macrobiotics," for this word will forever in your head be sounded through a vocoder.  

it is time you come clean about your potty texting habits.

beware the dominatrix in your kitchen.

the answer to your frustration lies in the crappy sitar track.

your "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up, "Lorde of the Rings," will go viral and you will achieve more internet fame than two girls one cup. 

---

alright i think i'm going to be speaking in fortune speak for the next 24 hours. 

here you will find my recipe for homemade fortune cookies. you will love them so much more than regular ones. they are chewy and almondy and last week i ate six in a row. (that's a lot of fortune, you know.)

this completes my chinese food posts for a merry jewish christmas! i am off to tend to some red bean paste...

merry christmas eve!!!!

-yeh!