when none of you responded to my open tweet call for help in writing fortunes for my fortune cookies, i got worried. is this going to be more difficult than i think it will be? do the fortune cookie fortune writers actually have a difficult job and should we just give them a break when we get an utterly undecipherable fortune? (like that alliteration?)

it was a difficult task. my first few fortunes were pretty awful and i'm glad that you can't really read them in the photos, thank you low f-stop.

and then i thought of a formula. it's based around twitter because writing a fortune cookie fortune is a lot like composing a tweet. it has to be quick and to the point, but it differs from twitter in that instead of talking about yourself or the general population, you have to talk about "you." ok here it goes. how to write a fortune cookie fortune::

1. go onto your twitter feed or someone else's twitter feed, and extract a few of the most fantastic tweets. i'm going to gather a mix of tweets from a few of my favorite tweeters:

@conradtao: in my brain, the word "macrobiotic" is always spoken through a vocoder

@contessatura: there are two types of people in the world: people who say they text while peeing and dirty liars

@gmpaiella: Well, there's a dominatrix in my kitchen.

@mattmarks: This crappy sitar patch just MADE this track.

@nattivogel: If it isn't already some racist "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up called "Lorde of the Rings" floating about, I resign from the Internet

2. put these tweets in the second person and in future tense:

in your brain, the word "macrobiotic" will always be spoken through a vocoder

there will be two types of people in the world: people who say they text while peeing and dirty liars

Well, there will be a dominatrix in your kitchen

A crappy sitar patch will MAKE this track.

If it isn't already some racist "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up called "Lorde of the Rings" floating about, you will resign from the Internet

3. alter the words a bit so they're magical and fortune-like:

steer clear of "macrobiotics," for this word will forever in your head be sounded through a vocoder.

it is time you come clean about your potty texting habits.

beware the dominatrix in your kitchen.

the answer to your frustration lies in the crappy sitar track.

your "Royals"/Hobbit mash-up, "Lorde of the Rings," will go viral and you will achieve more internet fame than two girls one cup.

alright i think i'm going to be speaking in fortune speak for the next 24 hours.

here you will find my recipe for homemade fortune cookies. you will love them so much more than regular ones. they are chewy and almondy and last week i ate six in a row. (that's a lot of fortune, you know.)

this completes my chinese food posts for a merry jewish christmas! i am off to tend to some red bean paste...

merry christmas eve!!!!

-yeh!