becoming schnitzel.

a narrative d.i.y.

you will need: 
two yards of schnitzel colored fabric, half a yard of yellow fabric, as much green felt as the nice man at the fabric store will give you for free, some needles & thread, 
and either emotional stability or somebody on call for when you need emotional stability. 
1. cut two pieces of brown fabric into very large matching schnitzel shapes {being careful to include orbs!!}
if you would like to add sexiness, do it now: rip off a shoulder, cut the bottom too short, or create some curve-hugging sections.
2. sew one half together.
3. become frustrated and cry {a la halloween of '06, '02, and '99} 
tweet about it. call mommy. it's ok.
4. sew the other half together.
5. stuff a few socks with paper towels, sew them into the orbs.
sew on the outside of the orbs to create the effect of an extra crispy edge
 at this point you may elect to be a lump of clay or poop. 
6. make a lemon!
cut out a circle, fold it in half, sew most of it, stuff it, sew the rest, draw lemony lines.
7. sew the lemon onto your brown shape wherever you want.
 like this! but also, at this point you can elect to be a long island iced tea.
8. make parsley! 
you may want to google image search "parsley" 
so that you don't end up as a lemon-mint bloody mary or 
a weed-dealing piece of poop with lemon on it. 
and... tada!!
you are a schnitzel.
accoutrements to consider:
-bread crumbs applied with spray glue {not the best idea if you intend to pass your costume down to your future children}
-an empty grey poupon jar as a vestibule for whiskey mustard-colored punch
-a friend dressed as potato salad
-a truck that serves schnitzel as your vehicle
happy hallowiener everybody!!