all sealed up in my most favorite jar of memories are my tanglewood summers. summers that i spent admiring everyone around me, performing concerts that brought me to tears, running round barefoot in the berkshires, and spending all of my money eating at every single restaurant in little lenox. everything was new, caution wasn't totally in my vocabulary yet. time and again, wherever i go, i find myself trying to recreate the excitement and magic of those summers. 

slowly i'm learning that i'm not going to. not in that way. and that's exactly why those memories are so special.

{when i need it, i put on the adagietto and let the breath become sucked out of me as i watch teenage versions of craig, nathan, chris, and me dance in slow motion through the field by ozawa hall. that's about as close as i get.}


my past few days were spent in the berkshires, grabbing little bits out of my jar, and being so pathetically and wonderfully nostalgic. 

i ate a loebwich, my 2007 usual, the "leslie b no sprouts." i finished it with a raspberry jam cookie, the barely baked kind that i've only ever found at loeb's.

i drank a red bull because it was my beverage of choice in 2006, when whiskey was what the higher-ups would have called a grey box violation.

talked a lot of shop. shot the shit. received goosebumps in a percussion ensemble concert.

had a slice of betty's, a berkshire bagel, a bite of soco, and a dip in the stockbridge bowl.

fell prey to hundreds of mosquitos and embraced the inability for t-mobile to work properly anywhere in the vicinity.

i didn't want to leave, no way, i wanted to stay and continue the plunge into that mountain high that makes me so happy. 

alas, i've got a berlin-bound plane to catch.


in the morningtime

the sufjan stevens station is on, just medium volume. wake not, my roommate! my cup of red velvet tea is a quarter full, and i just read a bit of encyclopedia of an ordinary life, a book that mum sent me in a little care package this week. i paused the readingtime to discuss this time, my favorite time: morningtime. it is before everyone in my world has woken up, or at least before everyone in my world thinks that i have woken up.
at camp i had a ritual of waking up exactly 55 minutes before reveille. it was to go on my runs, on the treadmill, in the gym, but always i'd walk extra slowly to the gym to savor that comforttime of... quiet before the unknown? my only least favorite part of this time was the dew on the grass-- but such is a necessity for that scene. 
[present] here i am, before i've made my bed, sitting at my vanity, about to finish this cup of tea and wanting to describe this, but-- hearing the footsteps in my building are signaling the end. or the beginning. 
happy day, everyone!

a proper good first weekend home

or: the yummiest camp food detox ever
berries! berries of all sorts, large and small, frozen and smashed, locally grown and flown from far farrrr away. watermelon, yogurt, smoothies galore. a whole wheat pizza night with pineapple and zucchini courgette! hold the cheese. from scratch: black bean hummus, sesame noodles, zingerman's carrot top, whole wheat sourdough, a plan for cornmeal pancakes {but maybe next weekend!} caramelized onion + chive jam. apples, tangerines, apples, tangerines. brown rice sushi, baked oatmeal. a bit of arugula and some cheese at edi & the wolf... and a nice warm cup of red velvet tea. get it while it's hot. 

oh and that hot dog. is not a hot dog. it is a suicide dog from the meathook stand at smorgasburg. "it's all the leftover meat from this week, made into a sausage!" says mike. and there was more flavor in one bite of that than in all of the food that i ate this summer combined. {welcome home, me!}

also: some quality hours spent by the river with the molly mobile, and the {just about} end to a week-long cleaning + organizing session of my little apartment. phew!


the war is over and we are beginning

{women of camp k--}
{life during wartime}
{bunk g counselors survivors}
b is for the best team
l is for the loudest team
u is for unique team
e is for the energy
go blue
{wall staff}
{in our bedroom after the war}

color war broke by way of fire-eaters. 
there were battles of strength, speed, and who can make the most appetizing dish using canned corn as the main ingredient. 
there was the rope burn and semi-silent meals,
apache relay and a successful sing.
in the end the other guys won. 
and then it was the second to last day of camp.
and then the last.
so now i sit in my air-conditioned room in my tiny apartment in manhattan, 
with a belly full of bluebees. 
...and i'm itching to know:
were the past two months for real?